Monday saw the 2 month anniversary since Harry Lloyd was stillborn. It hurts today the same as it did that day, there are the odd days where I have felt ok, where I have functioned through the day, where I have thought I can do this, we can do this, we will be able to make this journey.
Today the pain is open and raw. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to sob but I don’t want to go back into that wave of grief, it takes days to feel back on an even keel, and I say that like the calm waters are easy. Which they are not, I just manage to deny the crushing wave of despair and get through the day. I hate feeling like this. The sobbing hurts my chest, hurts my eyes as they burn with the ferocious tears that spill out with each sob. The wave rips through my stomach as a piercing pain as my body almost convulses with each sob. Does that sound too over dramatic? Ok. It just hurts. It fucking hurts.
Why do we feel like this? I have found myself trying to answer me, it’s because of your grief Lou, but why? why does it have to hurt like this? because you are missing your son Lou, because you went through such a traumatic experience, you gave birth to your son who was not breathing, So why am I so anxious at the moment? why am I so scared that something else is going to happen? because it’s your grief, you feel like that because you are scared of it happening again, its only natural. What if I get ill? What if I am not here for B Lloyd, Daddy Lloyd? What if I lose someone else? What if I lose them, I’m not strong enough. I’m not. After that I don’t have any answers for myself.
Tomorrow we have to walk into the hospital for a one-to-one meeting regarding our complaint. They are hoping to resolve our issues during this discussion, I am hoping we both can remain objective and strong because we don’t want to withdraw our complaint. Changes need to be put in place but I don’t know if I am strong enough to keep calm, objective, articulate and unable to shake. Shake with the grief that I know I am not dealing with.
Each day we are moving further away from that time we spent with Harry, yet Daddy Lloyd and I are not closer to understanding, no closer to being able to smile like we used to, and no closer to the end of this unsettled rough journey.