Through the looking glass 12

Today was hard. Its been a really hard few days to be honest. But today was hard for so many reasons. Again there are so many thoughts swimming around in my head it is difficult to know where to start and how to make sense of them. I guess day by day I am learning it is actually ok not to be making any sense.

But today saw Daddy Lloyd having to return to work, and not only return to work but to a brand new job – so no pressure there then. A couple of months ago when the decision was made it seemed so exciting and so right for us, the different hours of the job meaning Daddy Lloyd would have more evenings at home, and just how exciting would that be in the last few months of my pregnancy and when Mini Lloyd was finally here? Except now Harry Lloyd has gone. There is no baby and there will be no baby and today was both Daddy Lloyd’s and mine first step back into reality.

What is reality? Our reality has changed in a way I never saw coming and I have to learn that our reality, our normal will never go back to the way it was. That everything I am doing, wherever I am, I have this overwhelming weight bearing down on my chest making it hard for me to breath, making it hard not to let the water start leaking from my eyes when I walk in somewhere. Familiar or new places or just seeing people that I haven’t seen since Harry left us. A simple trip to the library with B Lloyd had me fighting the tears in my eyes, willing them not to start tumbling just because the last time we were there I had felt Harry kick and move. Thinking about it made me realise that was one of the last times I felt him move.

What will our normal be like? How will I know that we have found our new normal? I am so scared of this. I am so scared of never feeling happy and content again. I loved our family of 3 but making it a 4 seemed so right, like it was the missing piece of the jigsaw, now this normal we have been forced into has a piece missing and it will forever remain lost.

I am looking through the glass, peering into someone else’s life, someone else’s nightmare, then as I look down and realise the large pregnant bump has gone I remember it’s our reality. Our lives have started on this road to find a new reality and one week on, not even two weeks on and we are not even close. That setbacks are and will happen, that have and will continue to knock us off our feet and we are trying to pick ourselves up. Daddy Lloyd say’s I don’t have to fight anymore, but if I don’t I am scared I will get lost and never make it to the end of this road.

For now I’ll wait for Daddy Lloyd to get home to hear all about his first day.

About louise

One member of Team Lloyd, Sharing our expat tales and adventures, loves photography and capturing "that moment" Currently can be found in the sunshine, Southern California.

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12 thoughts on “Through the looking glass

  • Tracy

    I am sat here at karting reading this post with tears falling down my cheeks 🙁 so wish I could take some of the pain and sadness away from you all even just for a moment to see you smile. Touched by your blogs. Lots of love x x x x

  • Actually Mummy...

    I can’t bear what you are going through, but I think you are incredibly brave getting it all out, and if that feels right then it is probably the best way to deal with what you feel every day. Until it gets easier to bear – and it will…

  • Emma

    I have tears rolling down my cheeks, my heart is breaking for you Louise, no one should have to go through this and too many do, every single day. Much love to you all x

  • Sallyann

    If any one can , you will make it to the end of That rd ,
    You all will , but only when it’s right there’s no hurry !
    No time limit !
    So many sorrys for you but there not enough I’m sure
    , let those tears roll out and one day maybe they won’t hurt as much
    But they will always be special x x x x x x x

  • Laura

    I have no idea how you manage to find the strength to write these blogs but it truly is testament to the amazing lady that you are I sat here reading it sobbing for you all and your loss. I can not begin to understand what you are feeling, I know the feeling of staring in feeling as if it’s someone else it is happening to so well and it’s scary. You will come through this as a family but only in your own time no one knows when but one day the puzzle pieces will make a little more sense. Just because Harry is not in your arms he will be in your heart forever, it’s not enough I know but hold that memory it’s yours to keep. xxxxxx

  • charlotte

    reading this made me cry too. my heart goes out to you and your family. such a strong and brave family. take care all of you. x

  • Sarah

    Such eloquent words to describe what seems such an ineloquent time. Was it Winston Churchill who said ‘when you’re going through hell, keep going’? Be kind to yourself. Don’t expect. Breathe.


  • sarah

    Your words are so beautifully written, you have every right to be angry about losing Harry, to stay in bed, cry and refuse to move, but you choose not to and that is such a brave and amazing thing to do.
    The love you share for Daddy Lloyd, and Bella is written in every word, as is the pain entwined within the love you felt for Harry. You have still taken life by the horns despite the pain, sadness and anguish you must feel, and to share your experiences in words is both incredible and therapeutic. You are amazing, Team Lloyd is amazing. Much love to you all xxxxxx

  • Kerry

    Getting the realisation that this is now our road and it will never changed was the hardest part for me, I don’t know what I was thinking before. But making that realisation was like the feeling I had when I lost Rhianna all over again it was horrible and it put me in such a sad place and took a while to get over it. But I did.
    I think once I realised that our normal would not be what it was before but we will have another normal just a different one really helped. It is such a hard place to be big hugs and you know where I am whenever you need me xxxx