Today was hard. Its been a really hard few days to be honest. But today was hard for so many reasons. Again there are so many thoughts swimming around in my head it is difficult to know where to start and how to make sense of them. I guess day by day I am learning it is actually ok not to be making any sense.
But today saw Daddy Lloyd having to return to work, and not only return to work but to a brand new job – so no pressure there then. A couple of months ago when the decision was made it seemed so exciting and so right for us, the different hours of the job meaning Daddy Lloyd would have more evenings at home, and just how exciting would that be in the last few months of my pregnancy and when Mini Lloyd was finally here? Except now Harry Lloyd has gone. There is no baby and there will be no baby and today was both Daddy Lloyd’s and mine first step back into reality.
What is reality? Our reality has changed in a way I never saw coming and I have to learn that our reality, our normal will never go back to the way it was. That everything I am doing, wherever I am, I have this overwhelming weight bearing down on my chest making it hard for me to breath, making it hard not to let the water start leaking from my eyes when I walk in somewhere. Familiar or new places or just seeing people that I haven’t seen since Harry left us. A simple trip to the library with B Lloyd had me fighting the tears in my eyes, willing them not to start tumbling just because the last time we were there I had felt Harry kick and move. Thinking about it made me realise that was one of the last times I felt him move.
What will our normal be like? How will I know that we have found our new normal? I am so scared of this. I am so scared of never feeling happy and content again. I loved our family of 3 but making it a 4 seemed so right, like it was the missing piece of the jigsaw, now this normal we have been forced into has a piece missing and it will forever remain lost.
I am looking through the glass, peering into someone else’s life, someone else’s nightmare, then as I look down and realise the large pregnant bump has gone I remember it’s our reality. Our lives have started on this road to find a new reality and one week on, not even two weeks on and we are not even close. That setbacks are and will happen, that have and will continue to knock us off our feet and we are trying to pick ourselves up. Daddy Lloyd say’s I don’t have to fight anymore, but if I don’t I am scared I will get lost and never make it to the end of this road.
For now I’ll wait for Daddy Lloyd to get home to hear all about his first day.