This weeks emotion… 19

Is anger.

And lots of it.

I’m finally angry at what has happened. I have no idea how to deal with this anger, I don’t know if it’s an appropriate emotion but I am so damn angry at the world it’s unbelievable.

I’m angry with the hospital for messing up on so so many occasions.

I’m finally steaming mad at the midwife who came round to perform a healprick test on day 4, who never apologised just gave us the head tit treatment (head to one side, how are you? When she finally realised her mistake)

I’m mad at the photos we finally received this week, that were taken far too long after Harry’s birth so he is not how I remember him at all. I’m so angry that I’m embarrassed to show anyone these photos.

I’m so angry that we need to complain about the hospital, because just writing down what happened made me shake, sob, and relive some of the worst moments of my life.

I’m angry at people’s insensitive questions, inappropriate text messages, or for regarding us as gossip.

I’m so cross at having to smile at people and for having to understand what a difficult position they are in, how it’s so hard for them to know what to say or how to act. How about they consider for one second how damn hard it is for us?

I’m mad that we have had no formal support or contact from any of the bereavement team at the hospital, I don’t know how to deal with this overwhelming rollercoster of emotions.

I’m so angry that what should have been such a special happy time in our lives has turned into the worse nightmare that doesn’t even feel like it is happening to us. I’m angry that I’m in denial of what has happened.

I’m angry that I feel like this.

About louise

One member of Team Lloyd, Sharing our expat tales and adventures, loves photography and capturing "that moment" Currently can be found in the sunshine, Southern California.

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19 thoughts on “This weeks emotion…

  • Emma

    And you have every right to feel angry, at all of the above. Can you talk to Cruse or a similar organisation? I am cross on your behalf, that no-one has actually pointed you in the direction of someone who actually understands all of these emotions, and that you could at least talk properly to about this? I would love to send a little something for sponsorship money too, but living abroad means I can’t donate to Just Giving etc. as I don’t have a paypal account. Can you DM me your account details and I will transfer something directly to you? Emma xx

  • Kate

    Hun, I can’t every imagine what you’re going through so can only empathise. I’m sure that anger is a very “normal” emotion to encounter with everything that you’ve been through. So the most I can do is offer you huuuuuge hugs and lots of love and thoughts xxx there’s lots of people around you to support and vent to and we are all more than happy to be the listeners, you know that xx

    Emma – I don’t think you need paypal for the Virgin donating page, I think you just put your card details in if that helps xx

    • louise Post author

      Thank you for commenting Rosie, when I published this yesterday I felt really guilty for having so much anger inside me and for being cross all day with everything around me, but today I feel a bit of release – everyone has been so kind and told me its ok to be mad! X

  • Actually Mummy...

    It’s completely understandable. But don’t be angry with yourself. You have to go through this part if you are even going to begin to come to terms with what has happened to you so unfairly. Anyone in your shoes would be angry at everything. I’m so sorry you didn’t get photos that help, it’s just an awful situation that no-one should ever have to deal with πŸ™

    • louise Post author

      I am so glad that you have commented about not being angry with myself, its been such a hard emotion to admit, I went around being cross with everything all day (including the poor postman!) and I was feeling guilt on top of the anger that I felt that way. Another learning curve I thinks!

  • Steph (@imcountingufoz)

    Oh lovely Louise, you have every right to feel angry, and hurt. You’ve all been through something incredibly traumatic, and the fact that no one has tried to even point you towards people who can possibly help you understand everything is terribly insensitive.

    I’m horrified that people have been gossiping about it πŸ™

    Anger is a normal healthy part of the grieving process. You are loved xxx

  • Rachel

    It’s so hard to know what to say but I am not surprised you are feeling so angry. I am really stunned you have not received any bereavement support from the hospital. That really is inexcusable x

    • louise Post author

      Thank you Rachel, I am much calmer since writing it, almost like I was so angry because I was keeping it all locked up inside! Yes we have now written a complaint to the hospital for all the things that are inexcusable.

  • Joanne

    I’m angry too!! I’m angry that such shitty things happen to such amazing people!!
    You have every right to feel all of the above (hope I’m not inappropriate texting) Contact Poole Maternity as they have a whole unit for SANDS and lots of support they may be able to help you find direction or a councillor near you.

    Message me soon I need to come hug you and kick a few walls too!!!

    • louise Post author

      You are absolutely not the inappropriate texting my lovely! Thank you for the idea for Poole Maternity, will look into it πŸ™‚ I’m off to look at my diary now and will send you some dates as I need a cuddle too. Xxxxx

  • Me,Myself and I

    I just saw this post when I came to see your Silent Sunday, and although I have commented on your Sunday posts in the past few weeks I feel awful that I haven’t read any of your other posts when I was here and had no idea of your grief, for that I can only apologise.

    I feel for you and wish you all the best for the future (((hugs)))


    • louise Post author

      Thank you – please don’t feel like you need apologise, it is very hard to always know what is happening with every blogger! Thank you for visiting and reading through though XXX

  • Karin Crimmins

    Louise, I’m not surprised you are angry and so glad you have been able to make the complaint and channel the energy in that direction. I was thinking of you last week and then saw your post about Kate’s fundraising for CF. I’m so sorry to hear what you have all been through. xxx I just heard this week of this organisation holding remembrance services for people who have suffered the loss of a baby at any stage of pregnancy, at birth or in infancy It might be of interest .

    In my thoughts xxx

    • louise Post author

      Thank you for such a lovely comment Karin. So kind of you to donate in honour of Harry as well, we really so appreciate all the love and kind words we keep receiving X

  • Suzanne

    Not speaking from experience, but I do believe that anger is a very appropriate emotion in your circumstance and a very real and important part of the grieving process πŸ™ Friends of mine lost children in a tragic accident and are now patrons of a fantastic charity called: Child Bereavement Trust ( Maybe worth you contacting? They have helped my friends put their lives back together. Love to you x