Time has done it again, another month has passed. I’m beginning to enjoy the time at the end of each month when I spend a few moments to reflect on what has been. So this was April.
I discovered a new word this month. The word OK. OK can fill many a void, it sums up nicely how we are feeling. We are OK, a well rounded OK. Our heads are of course full of this time last year and it takes time and practice to not get caught up in those thoughts and to get dragged down into a wave of grief.
This month I have managed to do a few firsts, I have used the words my son, and died in the same sentence as well as even getting out Harry’s photos and looking at them. This to me is a huge step forward, having not been able to look at them since we got them I spent a few weepy moments alone but looked at them. Do you know, he had the most gorgeous little feet?
I know I wouldn’t have got to this point without the help of Saying Goodbye. Zoe and Kirsty have again helped me and allowed me to pour out my heart to them. I know now that grief is a process and to feel better I have to work through it.
So you see I am doing OK.
This month has also seen me head back into nursing, it’s different, it’s keeping me busy while I am there and its another step to my new normal. It’s only 1 day a week right now, and for now that is enough. I am painfully aware of my anxiety levels still so I know I cannot over do it. I do have a feeling of guilt over it though. A bit two fold I guess, I never expected to be going back to work so soon, we were planning for me to be a full time stay at home mummy, and yes B Lloyd still needs me, but during the day she is at school learning and discovering her aspirations, the house is lonely without a 5 month old in it. And secondly, its a brand new nursing job, no one there knows anything about Harry Lloyd and that’s where the guilt lies. I feel like I am ignoring my feelings for Harry and I feel like I am ignoring he existed. I know instantly that’s silly but I can’t help feeling guilty during those hours I am there. I guess it’s a bit like a mum who leaves her baby for the first time to go to the shops or the gym and they have that urge to tell anyone who will listen that they are a Mummy and their baby is at home. Except I can’t say I have left Harry Lloyd at home.
I have consciously this month put decision making on hold and I have felt my anxiety lessen for not worrying about having to make a decision – so I guess that is a good thing too.
Team Lloyd are also, dare I say it? Extremely Excited about what the month of May might hold. You see way back in the depths of October Daddy Lloyd and I needed something, a light in this very dark tunnel maybe, but we needed something to look forward too so we booked a trip. A trip we are all going on together in 11 sleeps time, a trip that might involve us going to the house of a certain Mr M. Mouse.
So you see, April may only have 30 days, but we are doing OK.
You can read the reflections from 2013 so far here