It occurred to me the other day that by accident I had written my open letter to 2013 asking it to be kind and gentle, then I had written a reflective post on the first month of the year as it co-in-sided with the 6 month anniversary of Harry Lloyd’s birth. I have decided what better way to keep an eye on the year than reflecting a little every month. This way I really will have a record of the steps we have taken on our journey this year. 2013 for Team Lloyd really is about trying to grieve whilst finding new positives in our lives and our new normal.
We still have no idea what “normal” will look like, but both Daddy Lloyd and I know we will find it, or more importantly it will find us. “It” being we don’t know what, but just by working through our sadness of loosing Harry Lloyd is allowing us to look to the future again.
So the 28 days of February – you have been good mostly. There was a moment which we wobbled and could have had an early falling out 2013 but you recovered well and showed us that not all things end in disaster. That hope is still very much part of our vocabulary for the year.
B Lloyd, Daddy Lloyd and I have laughed together, smiled and looked forward to things. B Lloyd you made us the proudest parents in the world with your nothing short of fantastic ballet and tap show – learning 6 completely different routines and lighting up the stage with your passion, dedication and beautiful, beautiful smile. You have again helped to heal Mummy and Daddy daily with your love of life and beautiful view of the world. We are thankful for the joy you bring us darling girl.
I have been stronger this month and answered the question that I fear daily “And you have 2 children?” Taking a deep breath I answered that yes I did. B Lloyd who is 6 and Harry Lloyd, who sadly died last August. I felt a release in my chest as I said the words. I have avoided that question or variations of it for months but I have been brave enough to say I have two children. I had the support of my closest friends around me as I said it, and as silly as it sounds I felt my heart swell at the pride I have for both B and Harry Lloyd. Will I be as brave the next time? I can only hope I will be. But thats the funny thing about grief, that wave of emotion can come and hit you at anytime. And the guy who asked me the question? Apparently he is still apologising profusely for having got me mixed up with one of my other friends. Little does he know actually what he did for me. Baby loss should not be a taboo subject, I do have two children, so he didn’t get me mixed up. We should be able to openly talk about that fact that Harry Lloyd was and is our son. He is always in our thoughts in everything we do everyday. It makes him and his memory real when I get to talk about him out loud.
So to the shortest month of the year, we are on track still, we are taking small, slow methodical steps but maybe this time our heads are lifted just ever so slightly and smiling ready to embrace Spring.