Mixed Emotions

It’s the 5th day of Christmas December and I am trying, I am trying so hard to be finding that Christmas Cheer that we so dearly love in the household. But I have to be honest I am so sad. I am desperately desperately sad and just want to hibernate away and not have to go through the whole christmas period this year.

We love traditions, we look forward to them, take love and comfort from them, thoroughly enjoy them when they are happening and my heart swells when I think about a time when B Lloyd will look forward to them with her family. Some are brand new Team Lloyd traditions some are dear to me from my childhood but they all mean the world to us.

Last night Daddy Lloyd and I set about one of those traditions, Nanna and Grandad Gibbs receive a calendar made by us every year with moments from the current year captured for another year in print. We usually love sitting down and looking at our year in pictures, it always reminds us of little things that you have forgotten happened, or you forget that you have even taken that photo. This year with the purchase of the beautiful canon SLR we should have some awesome photos.

So look back on the year we did. First the photos of that first pregnancy test I took saying Pregnant 2-3 weeks. Then the photos of Peppa Pig World that I had taken B Lloyd and Nanna Gibbs to whilst 7 weeks pregnant and suffering with hyperemesis gravidarum. I do not look good, and yes I ended up in hospital that evening. Then there is the 9 week scan picture that Daddy Lloyd and I paid for as a special one year wedding anniversary present to each other, the 12 week scan picture, the holiday to Tenerife with my 16 week bump that was not small, the 20 week scan picture and I think by now Daddy Lloyd and I were doing well to be finding any pictures that we wanted captured for another year.

Then the inevitable pictures from after August 1st, and try as we might we couldn’t find a photo where both Daddy Lloyd and I looked, well happy.

Nanna and Grandad Gibbs will hopefully love their calendar as they do every year, and we do have some very lovely family photos in there, lots of a certain granddaughter! Lots with her Uncle CC and Aunty Mel, Nanna and Granddad and some lovely Team Lloyd photos. I just hope that Nanna doesn’t look at my eyes as I know she will see that sparkle is missing, and I don’t want to make her sad on Christmas morning.

We also put a photo on every person’s birthday square. We love this part as we use silly snaps that we have taken throughout the year of the individual.  We have added August 1st and without a photo of Harry Lloyd that we can use, we used the photo I posted recently of the clouds that I am convinced look like angels. Daddy Lloyd and I went to bed unable to hide our sorrow.

Today I have heard of two new arrivals from mums that I was pregnant alongside, I am so pleased that their little boys have arrived safely. It does hurt though, it makes my arms ache even more. I just hope that our little angel is looking down over them all and keeping them safe.

I guess the reason I have blogged today is because I want to take comfort in our family traditions, I want to get lost in them like we do every December, but this year I need them more than ever.

14 thoughts on “Mixed Emotions

  1. I heard a talk recently which said that making traditions is one of the most memorable and fantastic things a parent can do for a child. If you look back on your childhood, the traditions are always smiled upon aren’t they? What a wonderful christmas you are making for B Lloyd. I feel your sorrow so deeply, the way you express it is incredible. Keep on plodding away. Big hugs to you x x

  2. Louise, you are so strong and remaining so focused on keeping everything ‘normal’. You are just amazing and I’m sure you calendar will be just perfect. Not what you imagined, but still just perfect and will be treasured. Big hugs x x x

  3. Hugs, I get it, I feel it and we all understand and will be all sharing that sadness this month. Lets hope Harry and Rhianna have a fab time up there I am sure Dave will take him under his care as well xxxx
    Kerry recently posted..Christmas CardsMy Profile

  4. This post bought a very large lump to my throat. I think being honest about your emotions and how you feel is so important, and the way you do it so honestly and eloquently touches me every time. I am sure it must be very hard. Small steps, one day at a time. Big Hugs xxx

  5. I cannot being to imagine how hard it must be for you all right now. On one hand you want to uphold all the excitement of the season for B, but it must serve as a constant reminder of the one person who should be here too, but as you illustrate so beautifully there’s no reason why H can’t still be a part of it all through celebrating his memory. I admire you so much Louise, I think if anything good can come out of this at all, it will be the fact that you will help people going through similar situations much more than you will know by writing this all down. Emma xxx PS. I bet the calendar will be beautiful.
    Emma recently posted..An Educational ExchangeMy Profile

  6. I couldn’t read and run but struggled to put into words what I wanted to say. I know they say that time is a great healer, I’m not sure it is. Yes, time brings changes it brings many ‘firsts’ and ‘misseds’ and it brings sorrow for what is gone and joy for what you have.
    Why not make a new tradition that you can always follow to remember your little man. It could be a simple trip to a special place, a decoration for the tree or an activity that you will do every year in the run up to Christmas. I think the act of remembrance can bring strength and peace all rolled into one.
    Stay strong xxxx
    Ramblings Of A Suburban Mummy recently posted..Mummy and Son Dinner DateMy Profile

  7. Louise your honesty is admirable and I’m sure it brings you much comfort to be able to set down how you are feeling. I heard a lovely reading about life after a loved one has gone today and thought of you and others in a similar place. Your traditions will stand your family well and help you through these difficult days.xx

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