It’s November 5

Seriously, can you believe that? It’s November, ten months of 2012 have been and gone and we are headlong into the eleventh. I know I am old now and I can often be heard muttering those fatal old person sentences of “oooh the year is going so fast” and “Before we know it Christmas will be here” (I can usually be heard muttering this around May of each year!)

As part of Team Lloyd we kinda love the last two months of the year, we have B Lloyd’s birthday, Daddy Lloyd’s birthday and Christmas in literally 3 and a half weeks so it is usually full of madness, laughter, fun, a LOT of wrapping paper, and general Team Lloydness.

But if you don’t mind can I I take you back to the very first few days of March? It might help explain how I am feeling right now. I had this feeling inside me, I just knew that I was pregnant, I hadn’t uttered a word to Daddy Lloyd yet, I wanted to wait a few more days before I tested, make sure I was actually late before I peed on that stick. Literally. I had done a rough mental check of dates and if I was pregnant we would be looking at a November due date – perfect timing for a Team that just LOVED to celebrate the last two months of the year.

Fast forward a few weeks and yes, the pregnancy was all confirmed, we even had a very shiny 12 week scan picture in our hands and HUGE smiles on our faces, Team Lloyd was going to become a complete awesome foursome. Daddy Lloyd and I had of course already been talking about how B Lloyd and (then named) Mini Lloyd would share a bedroom together, getting to tell B Lloyd was one of the most happiest and special moments of our lives. Her eyes lit up with excitement and she immediately said “If our baby drops the num num {dummy} in the night I’ll get up and give it back – but Mummy, you will have to go if they cry”

And so the meticulous planning that had already started become serious, Daddy Lloyd had a spreadsheet and everything. He poured over the Ikea website and came to me with many many different versions of how their bedroom could look. It was exciting, thrilling and just wonderful. We had 8 weeks after the 12 week scan where we really really planned for our baby.

It is funny how sometimes you just know. That feeling of knowing is something that I am going to pick up on in another blog post soon but for now our 20 week scan brought such devastating news that the excitement sort of got very lost in all the anxious waits and tests and results that followed. On August 1st 2012 our year suddenly stopped. When Harry Lloyd entered the world sleeping nothing and no one could have warned us for the nightmare that we were about to enter, no one can tell you how you will manage to function.

Its like living life on a tightrope, just to keep on the straight line is damn tough, anything, literally anything that comes up can throw me off that straight line. My emotions pulling me further down that I have ever been before. Making it harder to stand back up and give it another go. Making it hard to laugh, to smile and to enjoy every day things.

Eventually Daddy Lloyd and I discussed the bedroom – we knew now there was no need for B Lloyd to share, but we still wanted to redecorate for her, it seemed unfair that she missed out on that as well as being so upset over loosing her brother. It gave us a focus and Daddy Lloyd re planned and worked on a little girls room made of dreams.

Had Ikea not been as bad as they were with their customer service, the bedroom should have been completed in September, maybe early October but alas no – it all got delivered on Saturday morning! We told a little white lie that all the 112 boxes were for Daddy Lloyd’s new TV stand, and packed B Lloyd off to Nanna’s house while we literally attacked her bedroom. I have to admit I hadn’t banked on the full on avalanche of emotions that occurred. The cot mobile that was tucked up safely at the back of B Lloyd’s wardrobe that was going to be on the cot ready for Harry, the blankies and cot sheets that were neatly folded up on a shelf. Even the little boxes of baby shoes that I had forgotten I had kept.

Holding the little shoes in my hands I broke down. I never ever thought way back at the start of this year, that in November, I would be faced with the prospect of not being able to have another baby. Of not ever holding my newborn baby again.

The bedroom has indeed been redecorated, and B Lloyd was blown away with just how awesome it is. Daddy Lloyd is exhausted both psychically and emotionally and I am again just willing myself to try to drag myself back onto that straight tightrope.

And we still have another two months of 2012 to get through.


About louise

One member of Team Lloyd, Sharing our expat tales and adventures, loves photography and capturing "that moment" Currently can be found in the sunshine, Southern California.

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5 thoughts on “It’s November

  • Mummy Plum

    I’ve been thinking about you and how you must be feeling as we enter this month. *Hugs*. Decorating the room and doing something for Miss B was a lovely and brave thing to do. I am sure she loved it. x

    • louise Post author

      Thank you Mummy Plum. I think its going to be another tough month, but we are trying to be open about it so that others don’t forget we might find this month hard 🙁

      On the flipside though I know so many of you lovely bloggers that are now all ready to give birth that I send you all lots of love and best wishes for very safe labours and births XXXXXXX

    • louise Post author

      Thank you for such a lovely comment. We are trying to remember to take each day as it comes, but it gets so difficult sometimes. I really appreciate you reading XX