We never really took much notice of our due date, we very much were that set of second time parents that just fully understood that Mini Lloyd would make his/her appearance when they were ready. Yet as much as health professionals tell you not to get obsessed with your due date, they ask for it all the time, calculate your gestation and gage whether or not they think your bump is an adequate size in comparison to your due date!
Yet this time each time I heard the dates that were being discussed they literally would not penetrate my conscious mind. Whenever anyone asked I answered with “oh mid November” At the time I remember convincing myself it was because I was that second time parent trying her upmost not to get fixated on a date. I can still feel that icy realisation that spread across my entire soul and body when I finally let it into my conscious mind that the reason I didn’t have a “set” due date in my head was because I didn’t think we would ever get to it. I shuddered and pushed the thought straight out of my head. Why, why on earth would I think that? (I was 18 weeks pregnant and was sat in a big room full of bloggers listening to a very inspirational lady called Hayley Goleniowska)
The further into the pregnancy and the discovering of Harry’s condition – Cystic Fibrosis coupled with a perforated bowel meant that due dates got changed again, this time for the birth to be planned for a large London hospital. Again even on this day it all washed off me like water from a ducks back, though to be fair that could have been due to the magnitude of information we were receiving all at once. We were talking about a time that was not going to arrive. This time the feeling could not be pushed from my mind and we had a terrible 48 hours at home talking about how all of our lives were about to change.
It’s a very surreal moment when you look around your home and realise that the plumbed in oxygen that the consultant had been talking about, that you would be using at least 4 times a day with your son, would just never be allowed in an apartment block. That somehow we would have to fit in selling our home, finding a new one that would allow for plumbed in oxygen and moving all in 3 months. Without being stressed, without going into premature labour.
That whole weekend I never felt Harry move, returning on the Monday morning to the hospital to go ahead with the amniocentesis I knew what we were walking into. Like I had known that November wouldn’t see the birth of my son, I knew that we were going in to hear the worst news imaginable.
This past weekend were the last few dates that were discussed by the many different health professionals we saw during the last 5 weeks of our pregnancy, it feels very very strange to have reached here. To be in the present that I never thought would come, yet be in such a different place. We wanted to stay low and close as a family this weekend we hardly left the house, like if we did our special family bubble would be burst by the living and continuing outside world.
Yet some very wonderful people refused to let us get through it alone, they again reached out their hands and let us know they were standing next to us, protecting us as best they could. To you special people we stand in awe of your love and thank you.
To beautiful Harry Lloyd there is not a moment in Mummy and Daddy’s day that we don’t think of you and long for you, there isn’t a moment that B Lloyd doesn’t wonder what her little brother would have been like. Just because we have reached what should have been your due dates our feelings will not change. We ache for you today like we have every day since August 1st.
Keep flying high our beautiful little angel boy.
This photo was taken on August 15th, two weeks after Harry Lloyd was born. It was the first time as a family we had ventured out. When I looked at the photos later I just felt the clouds looked like angels, we were at my still and settled place. The sea.