Chichester Cathedral with Saying Goodbye 14

Before the many many blogs that are going to be coming along discussing the wonders of Disney, I wanted to dedicate today’s post to Harry Lloyd and the wonderful charity I work for Saying Goodbye.

Saturday June 8th the Saying Goodbye Service was in Chichester Cathedral – I wanted to go and experience the service first hand. I am so very glad that I did, in the few days since the service I have been able to acknowledge that I have dug deeper through my layers of grief. If you have never been I urge you to come along to a service near you, it really does help! Here there is link to a radio clip that you may like to listen too.

It becomes easy to think that you are dealing with your grief, that you are on an even keel. However I know I had reached a plateau that subconsciously I didn’t want to rock. Zoe Clark-Coates had asked me before we went on holiday whether I would read a poem during the service. When I read and practiced the poem it was beautiful, and I knew there was one particular verse that could make me cry. But through every practice I felt confident and at peace.

Sat in the Cathedral as the choir began to sing, I turned to one of my best friends Kerry and silently thanked her for being right next to me, a lump was already in my throat. The service had poetry, readings, music, hymns and a heartfelt address by a canon who had lost his grandson. The whole time I sat and thought about Harry, thought about how much I miss him, have missed him, still miss him. With Daddy Lloyd back home with B Lloyd my connection to my whole family was through touching and playing with my wedding rings non stop.

Kerry took my hand just before I stood up for my reading and asked if I was ready, I felt confident and nodded my head. I was doing this for Harry Lloyd.

I don’t remember much, I remember my voice ringing out throughout the Cathedral and me wanting to come across clear to Harry where ever he was listening. Then the line “My Mummy set me free” I heard my own voice break and instead of being able to see the words infront of me I could only feel my pain and the tears burning down my cheeks. It was the next line that broke through that next layer of grief.

“I miss my mummy oh so much”

The turmoil in my own mind on whether to let go and sob whilst still being stood up at the front of Chichester Cathedral with hundreds of eyes on me felt like an eternity, but in reality within seconds Kerry was beside me, arm around me, and taking over. Then I let go.

As we walked back to our seats I mouthed “sorry” to Zoe, she instantly jumped up and whispered in my ear – never be sorry, as what I showed was true love.

Gathering myself together as much as I could, we were then lighting candles for our babies, watching every person returning from this simple gesture in tears, with the same pain I feel, etched on their faces, you suddenly feel part of a family. A special family that understand the devastating pain. There is no your pain, their pain, someone’s pain, it simply becomes our pain.

The ringing of the handbells was harder for me than I expected, a public announcement that yes I have lost my son. I sobbed as I heard the beautiful sound of the bell ring out over and over throughout the cathedral.

There is no question in my mind that this service has helped me, was I ready to knock through another layer of grief? I don’t know, are you ever ready? I do know it’s healthy to keep working through it, not ignoring it, not pretending that I am alright. Yes I felt foolish on Sunday for not being able to complete the reading, and yes for a moment I worried I had let Harry Lloyd down, his Mummy not strong enough to carry on for him.

But I knew I loved Harry Lloyd, but maybe I had never allowed myself to believe that Harry Lloyd loves me.


About louise

One member of Team Lloyd, Sharing our expat tales and adventures, loves photography and capturing "that moment" Currently can be found in the sunshine, Southern California.

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14 thoughts on “Chichester Cathedral with Saying Goodbye

  • Kel

    I am so, so proud of you! You are an amazingly strong and brave lady. You are also human and are allowed to be sad and are allowed to cry!

    I am glad the service helped.

    Thinking of your always xxxx

  • Mother Goutte

    Tears, like laughter, are contagious, but it’s not just the show of emotion that you communicate to others, it’s the emotion itself. Seeing you read that beautiful poem and cry for Harry, you truly made all people present feel your love for him. I believe that, every time we cry, we become more able to feel deep empathy for others and we communicate this to those around us. So you made a wonderful gift to Harry and all those attending the service, that Saturday! Thank you 🙂 xxxxx

  • Kerry

    Firstly get that silly thought that you let Harry down out of your head, he would have been so proud of you. You did a fantastic job I am so proud of you I wouldn’t have been able to do it, and K and I were talking about the service over dinner and he said you were so brave that he knew before Rhianna’s year was over I would never have been able to do a reading and he thought you were so brave.
    All it did was show how much you love Harry and there is nothing wrong with that not in a million years!
    It is a really powerful thing to be in the service and I too would suggest people to go, and it was lovely to meet you on Saturday xxxx

  • Sarah Lovett

    Sounds like a wonderful service and SO pleased you found comfort in it. Very brave and wonderful Mummy. I bet Harry is SO proud of his Mummy.

    Can’t wait to see you next week.

    Much love xxx

  • Jody Jones

    Aww Louise, that really made me cry! So beautifully written and so spot on with the feelings! I too really felt that attending the service (Manchester) was the step to take me to the next phase. I cried all the way through it, as did my husband. You’re so brave for even getting up there to do a reading! An inspiration xxx

  • Michelle @ Bod for tea

    Oh hun, there’s a lump in my throat as I read this, you were so brave to standup and read the poem for Harry. As others have said the tears are a symbol of your love for your baby boy and you should NEVER feel embarressed about showing it. Can’t wait to see you again next weekemd x

  • Debs

    I just wanted to comment so I could tell you what an amazing job you did at the service. I’ve been thinking of you since then, and wondering if you were OK. I was one of those coming back from lighting my candles, and I recognised in your face the same emotions that I knew were on mine. I so wanted to tell you then what a wonderful thing you did by standing in front of everyone, and to tell you that everyone understood and were there to support you as well as to remember our lost little ones, and for you to help us with your reading. I put my hand on your shoulder as I went by on my way back to my seat, I hoped in a comforting manner, as I couldn’t walk by and not try and say thank you in some way. I hope you didn’t think I was presumptuous, or rude, or just mad. It was a beautiful service, and I am very glad that people like you were willing to stand up and say what we were all feeling. Thank you. I don’t have the words to say thank you enough.

    • louise Post author

      Hi! I cannot tell you the warmth I felt from you touching me on the shoulder – Thank you for making such a beautiful gesture I honestly so so appreciated it. Thank you for your lovely lovely kind words, I hope Saturday’s service was able to help you as well. I love the fact that we can all stand together and remember all our babies X