I haven’t posted since last week and that was not a conscious decision at all, just the days have passed and I have found ourselves at Friday already. In a very strange way the week has flown past, yet mid week I hit a massive wave of grief and emotion and I felt completely lost at sea. (Again).
Today I woke up with a glimmer of land in the horizon and we are back into calmer waters, I know now there is no pattern to this grief, and I just have to ride out these waves when they come crashing over me. I was considering all these things whilst sat watching B Lloyd at her swimming lesson this morning and thinking to myself that I wanted to blog today. At that moment my phone beeped and I had an email from a relative, within seconds of starting to read it I was in tears.
The tears weren’t my current devastated sobbing type tears, my eyes were leaking due to my heart being so touched by what I was reading, that someone else was reaching out and wanting to do something in memory of Harry. I’m not going to go into detail right now as I think it deserves it own post once I have had chance to speak with her more, but just reading it this morning gave me such a lift. Such a positive lift that it has helped me get through today and helped calm those waters around me.
This week I have really tried to give B Lloyd an enjoyable week to look back on, this has after all been her her summer holidays, and she has been so brave too. So we have hardly stopped. I am trying to ignore the guilt I am feeling that she has suffered during these holidays. With a swimming lesson every morning this week, we have also visited London, been on double decker buses, marvelled at Hamleys, seen the sights, been to Salisbury to visit Uncle CC and Aunty Mel, walked our butts off around the town, been out to dinner, made tents in the living room, watched Scooby Doo (several million times) been to the library to complete the Story Lab Challenge, read lots of books, played being Uncle Phil (Mister Maker) (recycling has found a whole new level in this house this week) and found time to do some cooking too.
Tomorrow we are off to Swanage for a week, it’s been booked in as our holiday for a year, And B Lloyd is beyond excited so I am hoping that she will look back on the summer holidays with some lovely memories of at least the last two weeks.
As an aid to my memory I just want to record here what I over heard her telling a little boy last week when he asked whether she had any brothers or sisters, she at first replied no. Then she looked over at me and Daddy Lloyd and said
“Well I did. I did have a baby brother, he was in my Mummy’s tummy but he was really poorly. He was too poorly to live like you and me so he had to go to heaven. So my brother’s in heaven.”
No words were said between Daddy Lloyd and I, but you could hear our hearts swelling with pride, but breaking at the same time.