It’s funny how sometimes you can think you have your grief totally under control, that you know the things that made you feel sadder, you know the people that can say things that might make you feel worse, you know what places to avoid, when. Then suddenly when you least expect it, after being on an even keel for what seems like a few weeks, you are smashed off your grounded feet by a tidal wave. Literally.
Which is exactly what happened on Friday. There I was sat in B Lloyd’s school hall, waiting for her Mother’s Day Assembly to start. Glancing around me I noticed a couple of siblings sat on their mums laps, I noticed a few ladies with big pregnancy bumps just as all the year 1 and 2 children filed in. I remembered being sat in the hall this time last year watching the Mother’s Day Assembly. That day I had a secret, I sat there knowing that I was pregnant, I remember being weepy and thinking “wow this time next year a little person will be sat on my knee whilst we watch this“. I remember the jolt of excitement in the pit of my stomach as if it were yesterday.
B Lloyd’s class individually stood up and said what was funny about their mum’s. B Lloyd said
“It was funny when my mum put too much sugar in the biscuits, but I still ate them because I Love Her”
She spoke with such clarity and proudness in her voice, as funny a story as it was (even though its not even technically true), it just floored me. The flood gates opened and I literally sobbed. At that very moment all I wanted was for me to be sat there with her baby brother on my knee, clapping and smiling at his gorgeous sister. I wanted B Lloyd to be looking over and grinning and giving the thumbs up at me, and her brother.
The mums around me put their arms around me, gave me hugs (and tissues!) – thank you ladies.
Daddy Lloyd could see as soon as he got home on Friday old wounds had reopened and I was a mess. There are so many unanswered questions that we haven’t been strong enough to go into yet. The fact remains that not only did we lose Harry Lloyd but we are both Cystic Fibrosis carriers and this will always have an impact on our lives. We are not strong enough yet to ask those questions we are too scared to know the answers too, we are still dealing with day to day. And unable to face the long-term future. We both are still missing a part of our hearts.
Daddy Lloyd and B Lloyd surprised me on Saturday with a little trip away just as Team Lloyd, we stayed overnight in Bournemouth so that I could go to my Still and Settled Place on Sunday morning. It was just what I needed, to feel the sea air, to watch the waves crashing and for the three of us to feel close to Harry Lloyd. Our first Mother’s Day was as gentle as it could be, and it showed me that whilst we are healing, waves of grief are still to be expected. That they can come out of the dark, from places we least expect, and they will still take our breath away. I guess nower days once that wave hits I know what to expect and I know not to be frightened of it, I can ride it out and cry those long hard sobs because it’s ok. It’s ok to still be hurting.
My Still and Settled Place will be needed for many more occasions I am sure.