An Open Letter – Part One

Dear 2012,

I have started many different ways of saying goodbye to you, and thanking you for the type of year you have been. I have to say most of the drafts have been rants at just how fucking crap you have been. 2012, lets face it there have been things you have done this year that I just don’t understand, and may never understand why you felt the need to teach us the things you have done.

But this morning, I woke up feeling like pants (of course I would be ill over the christmas and new year holidays, I mean come on 2012 I am not exactly surprised that you have decided to throw that at me too) but you know what 2012? I decided rather than being ranty and telling you to go do one (which quite frankly I am so thrilled that you are literally about to go) that actually I would take this opportunity to be the bigger person.

So I actually want to thank you. I want to thank you for teaching me so much more this year, more than I ever thought possible. Not only have you taught me just how raw and devastatingly precious life really is, you have also shown me what true love and support is too.

I am so thankful for you giving me the most supportive and wonderful husband, without Daddy Lloyd this year I would not still be standing, I am so thankful that our love for each other has made us stronger throughout the year. I could never even begin to be thankful enough that B Lloyd is our daughter. She has shown us a strength and courage that we didn’t know existed.  She truly is the light of our lives and we thank you for keeping her well, strong, beautiful and innocent.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for allowing me to still be her mummy, the most precious job in the world to me, the few days around Harry Lloyd’s stillbirth I was convinced I would go into hospital and never come home to her. I thank you for keeping both Daddy Lloyd and I safe and well and allowing us to continue to be here to love and protect B Lloyd. I have sat in tears this year at hearing of families that have suffered the loss of a parents and I am ever so thankful that B Lloyd has us both still here to love and comfort her. This has been magnified over the last few days as we learnt of the devastating loss of a wonderful teacher at B Lloyd’s school. She tragically passed away on Thursday after the noro virus had masked an ectopic pregnancy. Sian Thomas was 34 years old and leaves behind a beautiful 3 year old little girl and loving husband. A dedicated teacher and lovely lady taken far too soon from this world. Again 2012 you have made me question your motives but I’m holding B Lloyd and my loved ones even closer right now.

I thank you for allowing us those few precious months where we were living the dream of having our second baby. A son. A very longed for baby brother for B Lloyd. I thank you for giving us that dream, and we will forever love and treasure those 24 hours we had with Harry in our arms. He taught us so many special things, he has taught us how to find strength from within and he has given us the power of information. Without Harry Lloyd this family would never have known the impact Cystic Fibrosis has for not only us but our wider family too. So 2012, although I cannot stand the fact you took our beautiful boy away from us far to soon, I see he was a angel that came with a very special message for us.

I thank you also 2012 for the people I hold dear to me, that these wonderful individuals care not whether they are “technically” family or not, that they care for us, and want to support and love us through the darkest of times that will continue into your replacement.

To Jackie, Kerry, Kelly, Abby, Nicola and Jo, to their collars and their cuffs you are the worlds best family I could ever ever wish for. You all know you have gone above the line of duty this year and I love you.

To Adrian and Sharon, the miles make no difference, this year it has felt like you have lived next door. Your love and support has helped me to not drown in despair.

To Kelly and (your) Kev, your words of wisdom and support has gotten me through days I couldn’t stand up.

To “The Dettmar’s” your strength and courage has helped me in ways I am not sure I can explain, Kerry you have been a guardian angel and better than any so called professional counsellor.

To Tracy, Nina, Natalie, and Fiona on days where I have been alone waiting for the clock to tick around to 3pm you have all lifted me with smiles, hugs and just knowing glances (and many many breakfast, lunch or even just sneaky coffee’s)

To Nanna and Grandad Gibbs your unconditional love has seen me through, just like it has all my life.

So you see 2012, as angry and as upset as I am with you, I know in my heart that that I have many things to be thankful for, for now as you pass your job to your replacement I ask that you put in a good word for Team Lloyd.

We have learnt more than enough through you, now let us find our new normal.

With Regards

Louise

11 thoughts on “An Open Letter – Part One

    • I find the writing helps so much, it can be such a release – the fact that you then read and comment means so much Emma, thank you for all your kind words this past few months. Heres hoping 2013 is kind and gentle XX

  1. You are a remarkable lady that you can see (and write about) the wonderful things in your life, given what a terrible year you have had. As a blogger I hear about so many devastating things in other people’s families, and they always terrify me and make me feel vulnerable. My brother is a QC and amongst his many duties, he has to certify deaths – he tells me some terrible stories. I once asked him how he can stand it, having children of his own. He said it just makes him realise how incredibly fortunate and blessed he is. In 2013 I want to make more effort to appreciate just what I have, and engage in it with less fear.
    I’m so in awe that you have had the courage to write this x
    Actually Mummy… recently posted..Center Parcs and Tots100 perfect Christmas elf!My Profile

    • I had to read your comment several times as I couldn’t see through the tears! Thank you so much for all of your support over the last few months, the fact that you take the time to read my posts means so much to me. I think you are so right, it is so scary when you read what people are coping with and it really really makes you appreciate what you have got.

  2. Pingback: Thirty Days Hath …. April | Team Lloyd

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