A Month On 15

I have been keeping myself busy today, as it is the first time I have been completely alone. B Lloyd went back to school today, she is now officially a fully fledged Year 1 girl. Seriously do not know how that happened, I cannot believe we no longer have a little one in Reception, somehow that sounded ok, Year 1 – well I’ll blink and it will be Year 7!

What I am finding hard is when certain dates arrive I am having to face them as a non pregnant mummy, who is not getting ready for a baby to arrive. Take last weeks holiday for example since falling pregnant I had thought about how big I would be and what things I would and would not be able to do with a 30 week bump. I had thought about enjoying the summer holidays with B Lloyd as our last “just the 3 of us” summer, and her going back to school would be exciting as it would give me time to rest and her time to get super excited about the arrival of her baby brother.

B Lloyd did go back this morning, very excited and a little apprehensive of her new class and new teacher but really looking forward to seeing all her friends and being a “big girl now” I can’t wait to go and pick her up to hear how her day has been. B Lloyd is coping so well with everything to do with Harry, I think some of it now is because she feels she is getting “Mummy Back” – and if you ask her to explain this you get the most amazing answer. “Well she ran races with me last week on holiday and she made me a packed lunch today, and anyway Harry is going to send us another baby”

I wish I could live life through the eyes of a 5 year old they make it seem all so simple and ok.

Time really does pass without any thought for how we feel, not only is B Lloyd now almost 6 and in Year 1, it has been a month since Harry left us. The feelings inside still have not changed but I am functioning and my body is starting to feel like mine again. The gym membership is sat waiting for me to take the plunge, and on the outside I probably look “ok” I have some colour from being windbeaten in Swanage last week and Daddy Lloyd and I are trying to make footsteps into the future because if we don’t we will drown in this feeling of despair. I have blog posts that are lined up to be written or published on different topics, not just Harry and I feel guilty about thinking of them like if I write them I am moving on, forgetting about him, and not being true to his memory. I know eventually I will need to change the blog, I can no longer have a section called “blogging for pregnancy” because I’m not.

I know like the last month, this time will come. It’s just not today.



About louise

One member of Team Lloyd, Sharing our expat tales and adventures, loves photography and capturing "that moment" Currently can be found in the sunshine, Southern California.

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15 thoughts on “A Month On

  • Mummy Plum

    You will find your own way – in your own time – of coping / dealing with it all. It must be so hard. Perhaps the pain will never go away but you will find a way of living with it eventually when it may not seem as acute as it does now. My experience of losing a pregnancy (nowhere near as far on as yours) is that it is important to allow yourself the time to grieve properly. It sounds like you are doing that. Don’t feel that you need to rush to move past the grief, you will when you’re ready.

    Miss B sounds like she is coping so well. All credit to you, I’m sure, and how you have handled things at such a difficult time. x

    • louise Post author

      Swanage was lovely, I fell in love with the place and I will write a post about it as the sea was so peaceful it almost had healing powers. It will be a place I will want to return too with happy memories of us all. Thank you Emma, I so appreciate your time reading my posts and commenting XXX

  • Ruth

    I think your words about wishing you could live through the eyes of a 5 year old are so true. The older I get, the more complicated life seems, and I just don’t understand why some things happen. I hope your grown-up 5 year old had a lovely first day back at school, and that your holiday was just what you all needed. xx

  • Suzanne

    Oh Louise, what a desperately tough and horrible journey you are on right now. I cannot imagine how you must have felt today, being at home and remembering all of the things that you thought you would be doing. It must have been awful for you to go back into the playground this morning, to face the Mums who did not know and even for the ones who did, but didn’t know what to say 🙁 I have been thinking about you a lot, all of these things that you know you will need to do in time, you are being so sensible about. Just take each day as it comes and be together as a family. I love the way your little girl is dealing with it, oh to be a 6 year old again…. x x

  • Kerry

    It is so hard when those dates pop up isn’t it but you are strong and B will guide you through if no one else. And just for the record Harry and Rhianna are busy bees, as “Rhianna is sending Mummy another baby” too he is totally convinced by it xxx

  • Kate

    Louise I’m always so torn by reading your blogs, I always want to check and see how you’re doing but also feel like a casual observer in what’s been an awful time for you. Take strength in the fact that there are lots of people out there who care for you and are thinking of you. B is a wonderful person to have around, I hope she’s helping you to heal x

    • louise Post author

      Thank you Kate, that is very kind of you to say. I feel that being able to write does give me time to get my thoughts out straight and it’s a helping release. The fact that people then read them and show kindness and support through their comments is just so touching. I really appreciate everyone’s kind words and taking the time to read my grief and ramblings!

    • louise Post author

      Thank you for popping over and reading, and thank you for the lovely comment. It is definitely hard being seen in the playground, and most people are people just lovely and supportive XX