I have been keeping myself busy today, as it is the first time I have been completely alone. B Lloyd went back to school today, she is now officially a fully fledged Year 1 girl. Seriously do not know how that happened, I cannot believe we no longer have a little one in Reception, somehow that sounded ok, Year 1 – well I’ll blink and it will be Year 7!
What I am finding hard is when certain dates arrive I am having to face them as a non pregnant mummy, who is not getting ready for a baby to arrive. Take last weeks holiday for example since falling pregnant I had thought about how big I would be and what things I would and would not be able to do with a 30 week bump. I had thought about enjoying the summer holidays with B Lloyd as our last “just the 3 of us” summer, and her going back to school would be exciting as it would give me time to rest and her time to get super excited about the arrival of her baby brother.
B Lloyd did go back this morning, very excited and a little apprehensive of her new class and new teacher but really looking forward to seeing all her friends and being a “big girl now” I can’t wait to go and pick her up to hear how her day has been. B Lloyd is coping so well with everything to do with Harry, I think some of it now is because she feels she is getting “Mummy Back” – and if you ask her to explain this you get the most amazing answer. “Well she ran races with me last week on holiday and she made me a packed lunch today, and anyway Harry is going to send us another baby”
I wish I could live life through the eyes of a 5 year old they make it seem all so simple and ok.
Time really does pass without any thought for how we feel, not only is B Lloyd now almost 6 and in Year 1, it has been a month since Harry left us. The feelings inside still have not changed but I am functioning and my body is starting to feel like mine again. The gym membership is sat waiting for me to take the plunge, and on the outside I probably look “ok” I have some colour from being windbeaten in Swanage last week and Daddy Lloyd and I are trying to make footsteps into the future because if we don’t we will drown in this feeling of despair. I have blog posts that are lined up to be written or published on different topics, not just Harry and I feel guilty about thinking of them like if I write them I am moving on, forgetting about him, and not being true to his memory. I know eventually I will need to change the blog, I can no longer have a section called “blogging for pregnancy” because I’m not.
I know like the last month, this time will come. It’s just not today.