I woke up feeling blue today. I guess that isn’t anything too new is it? I think I have began to cope with blue days, to treat myself gently and not to expect too much of myself. I avoid those situations that will give rise to me being made to feel worse and I surround myself with those people who have love and supported us through this ongoing journey.
I did the school run this morning and it dawned on me, it’s ok it’s finally the 31st of January. Phew. Daddy Lloyd finally gets paid today, yipee! It is also the end of the most longest month of the year, and fair play 2013 you have treated us gently, you have given both Daddy Lloyd and I moments of complete wonderment – could we really do that? and you have brought me a new role which I am so excited about. Am I glad to see the back of January? Yes, I always am. Am I ready to take on the rest of 2013? I don’t know, I am hoping you keep heeding these words.
But the fundamental reason why I am blue today is because my mind keeps taking me back to 6 months ago. 6 months ago today, Team Lloyd were at Legoland. I know that doesn’t sound like a reason to be blue, but I can tell you all 3 members of Team Lloyd had an awful day, we were walking around not seeing the other people, not even really taking notice of the rides. We were there in a daze. We had spent the evening before telling B Lloyd the saddest news, we had held her and each other whilst we all sobbed for hours.
I was walking around touching my bump not quite knowing what was about to happen, but knowing I was going into hospital the next day to give birth to our son who had passed away. The fear in me that day sends shivers down my spine. The memory of bitting my lip to try and stop the mountain of tears that just kept tumbling down my face in the few moments B Lloyd was on a ride so she didn’t see me cry, the overwhelming belief that I would never come home to her or Daddy Lloyd could have me rooted to the spot for minutes on end and I would be brought back to reality by a hand reaching up and grabbing mine to pull me to the next ride.
6 months ago today all there was infront of me was fear and how on earth were we ever going to cope with what was happening and what was about to happen. A great hole from where no experience we had ever had could start to prepare us for what we were entering.
A very wise lady very recently said to me not to think sadly of Harry over these ‘anniversary’s’ but to think of him positively all of the time. This has most definitely resonated with me and I think most days now I do think positively of how Harry has helped us greatly.
Most days I don’t let my mind wonder into these memories, they are locked up securely inside my head and my heart, the pain just to raw to put the thoughts down in writing.
Today I don’t have the words or the strength, my arms are aching a lot and I wish Sunflowers were out in bloom.